Hey A-Holes: Where is our Town?

Go to any large city and you’re bound to find the following: a drug area, a red light district, about 6,132 Starbucks and some kind of ethnic “towns.” You know what I’m talking about…Chicago has a slew of them, like China Town, Greek Town, German Town, Mexican Town, etc. Miami has Cuban Town. Even Detroit, a city not known for its cultural phenomenon has two of the last three. Some of the best restaurants and ethnic shopping is found in these internal villages. But do we really want to impede on the pride of others who don’t share in this blatant attempt to put lipstick on pigs?

For instance, in what North American city do you find a place like Spanish Town or Portugal Town? Nowhere, Bosco, that’s where! And since there are about 175 countries in this world, depending on what time of the day it is and what side of the bed the head of a local junta woke up on. If some of these dipshits who head up school systems don’t want to issue letter grades to their students and use a “Pass/Fail” system so the students won’t “feel like they’re less than equal to their fellow classmates then what about the feelings of some third-, fourth- even lower countries who aren’t represented by a special section of a city set aside for them?

Let’s just bring up a few that on the surface could be interesting…but have been given no attention by the municipalities. Why isn’t there a ”Borneo Town, Ethiopia Town, Peru Town, El Salvador Town or even a Zimbabwe Town?

Or how about Tasmania Town, Cape Verde Town, Canary Islands Town or Diego Garcia Town? There aren’t any. It seems that unless you’re one of the big dogs you don’t get your own section of town. At the risk of sounding like a poet, what are they to do, ACLU? I say you get your ass moving and bring out every RED-blooded shyster lawyer you can find and have them start with major cities that have ethnic areas and work their way down to hamlets who have the same? If they can go after a town that wants to put a nativity set in front of the courthouse then they sure as hell can go to bat for Romania. Find me a Romania Town in the United States and I’ll have my editor kiss your ass at 42nd & Broadway in New York at high noon on a Friday before a holiday and give you a half-hour to draw a crowd. I’m just that positive there isn’t one.

And how about sending the new guy, Gerry Katz, to Gary, Indiana, and sue the city because it hasn’t formed an exploratory committee to look into putting a “Honkey Town” near one of the cities lovely casinos?

The bottom line of all this drivel is that I’m sick to death of hypocrisy. On the one hand do-gooder organizations like the ACLU don’t want to have one group achieve leverage or separate benefits over those of another. I’m not saying this isn’t admirable. I’m saying it’s so unfeasible as to be a mockery.

It’s just like a publishing group owned by a person I am friends with. He puts out automotive magazines with ethnic specifics like African Americans on Wheels, and Latinos on Wheels (I’m not 100% positive of the last one but you get my drift). I once mentioned to him that I could actually combine two minority groups to form Jewish Hoosiers on Wheels. I was told to do so and I’d be welcomed into the community. See how painless that is? I don’t think the ACLU would have that seamless of a time pressuring New Braunfuls, Texas, to incorporate a Laos Town into their community.

The casual observer may look at this column as just another 800 words of crap to satisfy this week’s placement. That could be, but it isn’t my initial intent. I’m trying to make a point here and damned if I can make a coherent dove-tailing of thoughts.

Personally, I think the idea of having an ethnic cultural center and tourist destination is fine as long as the local trade group has a written okay by the tourism ministers of all 175 countries of the world (again, depending on what time of the day it is). Otherwise, don’t come crying on my doorstep when the ACLU comes banging on your door demanding you either become a member of the “League of Towns” or pull your own section out of your city. Just imagine how much time you’d have on your hands if you were the mayor of a small, West Virginia community that had an Iran Town or even a Syria Town?

The aforementioned do-gooders and their ilk are the ones who have led us to the brink of having my rumblings become a reality. It’s not too late but it will involve spending some quality time in “Testicle Town.”

Editor’s Note: Al Vinikour has been a featured columnist on Hipster Travel Guide for years. The publication is glad to have his mean spirited but wise column back in order. It will appear here every Friday.

About the author

Al is much crankier in person than on these pages. But we love him nonetheless.